sound of the anything

selfish(ness)

2011-07-31T14:33:00.000-06:00

Selfishness is a tough subject. You have our own personal views of what it entails, but if you sit back for a moment and think about it, there are really two types (ish) of selfishness. You, obviously, have to have concern for yourself to continue living. To be able to survive in a world where, no matter who you're with or where you are, you still are responsible for yourself; your breathing, sleeping, eating, etc. are all things that more or less demand attention from you. Even though this is the case for everyone, yourself is still at the forefront of your mind.

Now, this isn't a bad thing. This is how life naturally, biologically works. We just don't consciously admit it to ourselves, because being 'selfish' is considered negative. There is also a marked difference in the life of the single person and the life of the coupled/parental person. Your concern for your offspring and the well-being of your mate hit right up there with your concern for yourself. A large part of that is because they affect you and your lifestyle directly.

I think the transition from single to, well, not, is pretty rough for most people. You can be with the group that depends solely on themselves for everything, most likely born from a long time alone; life forces you to maintain a certain level of selfishness, or you can be with the group that is dependent in one place, to dependent in another place. The levels here are obviously going to be quite different. Within the group of people that are forced to be the leaders of their own life, we've got those that are trying to reconcile themselves to life with another person. When you've had a mindset for so long, it has got to be tough to flip around and change that. Personally, I believe that's what people consider to be 'commitment issues'. I could be wrong, but that seems to fit pretty well to me. You have trouble moving to a different pattern of thinking. Some have less trouble, some have more trouble, but it happens just the same. Or, it doesn't happen at all, and those are the folks that will more likely stay single their entire lives.

Being single is absolutely not a bad thing, however. Time alone gives you opportunity, almost forces you to think through the major questions that batter everyone. Life, purpose, religion, love, careers, etc. Once you're tied to a group of people through close, mutual concern, it becomes more difficult to find those opportunities. You just end up not thinking about it; you don't have time, you don't have energy. Those questions are very important to some people, and for others, it rarely, if ever, crosses their minds. That could be another major difference that eventually separates us into independents and dependents. So, essentially, we've covered the type of personal selfishness that is required to basically live your life.

The other kind of selfishness (though there are likely many layers in-between) is the trait that is most commonly considered 'selfishness'. And that IS negative. Compassion and empathy are two major things that shape us as a person. If we are only concerned for our personal well-being, nothing else has value. There is most certainly a line that we do or don't cross in regard to selfishness. One side is the natural self-concern (which really is basically selfishness, just in a more positive light), and the other is self-concern to a higher degree, one that can and will potentially hurt those around you. We could be stuck anywhere on the entire (very large) spectrum.

We forget sometimes that we ARE animals. Intelligent, of course (for the most part), but animals nonetheless. Looking at groups of primates has personally always helped me put things into perspective. Imagine a group of monkeys/apes/etc. Their (as our) main goals in life are to find sustenance, to reproduce, and to generally not die. But even through this, feelings play a large part. What do you do with the food you find, the time you have, the protection you can provide? Do you keep it all for yourself, or do you share favors with others to become part of a collective whole of well-being and contentment? Most primates (and other animals, of course) have very distinct personalities, just like you and me. If you sit and observe long enough, you'll see that some will share food, will share care for offspring, will protect the group itself, and then you'll also see those that, because they're selfish, do next to nothing but cause others trouble through their disregard for the others. Why does the group put up with them? Sometimes they don't, but other times it's that pesky compassion thing getting in the way.

Obviously, there are many other things that factor into this, especially for humans; life situation, mental health, value systems; the list goes on and on, but at its most basic roots there are two kinds of selfishness: the one that helps and the one that hurts.

inequal

2011-04-25T18:27:00.003-06:00

I haven't been able to blog much lately (though I have been writing down subjects I want to address), I thought I'd share an excerpt from an essay I just finished on racial inequality. This only broaches how I feel about the subject to a tiny degree, but I thought I would share.

Soon, finals will be OVER, and perhaps this summer I can catch up on blogs; or hey, who knows? Maybe I'll ACTUALLY work on my novel. Hmm...

"Present day America truly is a melting pot of culture, which could and should make it one of the most amazing places to experience on Earth, but old prejudices die hard. We are a country of many proud and selfish individuals, which makes any changes harder to come by, even if we think things have changed. Because of pride and vanity, most people aren’t truly aware of what the world is like around them, or even how they themselves are. Judgment and self-image cloud and mask a lot of the bad (and good) things going on. Unfortunately oppression has branched out to a lot of different areas; social class, religion, race, gender, etc. It is going to be difficult to change, especially when we’re as socially hard of hearing as folks were decades ago. We think, “how could people be so blind, how could they not see blacks as people?!” but stepping back and looking at the big picture shows that not a lot has changed; some aspects have become more subtle, but markedly worse.

In regard to my role in the present and persistent battle of inequality, racial or not, it seems that the only thing I can do is change myself, which will hopefully inspire others to change themselves. First one has to learn the value of a person, and then realize everyone, be it African-American, Caucasian, Hispanic, Chinese, Indian, Jew, Christian, Muslim, male, female, fat, skinny, mentally disabled, physically incapacitated, or so many more, everyone IS a person and therefore they have value. Just as much as you or anyone you know. It takes a long time to learn that, but when we do, we are only better for it.

Personally something I would like to do is use my Anthropology, Creative Writing and Religious Studies training to really dig into research for many different cultures, and I'd like to portray them through some sort of creative fiction or non-fiction. Reading from the perspective of someone in a very different culture can honestly be mind-blowing, especially if the reader hasn't thought much about it before. If I write well enough, or it catches just the right amount of attention to leave a dent in inequality's armor, I'll feel like I've succeeded.

Culture itself is only misunderstood. We, as part of human nature, eschew the things we know little about; we run away from or ignore or make fun of things we don't feel we comprehend. That insecurity makes it extraordinarily difficult to change our behaviors and attitudes. That's why reading is an effective tool. It's not a confrontation, no one is watching or expecting anything from you, since it's just a bunch a words on a page (they don't bite...well, physically, anyway); someone can take as much time as they need to understand something."

monotony of routine

2010-09-20T18:34:00.000-06:00

I loathe routine. It's something I've always consciously and unconsciously strayed away from. I have a difficult time doing the same thing over and over again, which is why I've had trouble staying interested in some of the jobs I've had in the past. A set routine sometimes seems like a prison sentence to me - I value freedom. Individual freedom. I'm very lucky, living in the country I do, and having the opportunities I do. I'm spoiled. However, it's because I live with the freedoms I do that I chafe at anything that restricts me from doing something I mentally/physically/spiritually should be able to. I like having the choice to do or do not, and I think it's a large part of why I've always wanted to be a writer, at least when I wasn't wanting to be a dolphin trainer or actor at the age of, like, 7. Writing allows so much freedom, possibly more than anything else ever could or will. Maybe virtual reality will catch up someday, but that's likely a long time off. So, writing and reading will continue to be an escape and a solace for me.

There are things we must do to continuously to stay alive and/or function in 'society'. Eat, sleep, drink, bathe, relieve ourselves of waste, etc. I see the value and the necessity. Then I look around and see people that do nearly the exact same thing every single day. They wake at exactly 'this' moment, eat at exactly 'this' time, work for exactly 'this' amount of time to 'this' amount of time, watch this TV show at 'this' exact time, and retire to bed at 'this' exact time. I respect that it makes days easier for some people, and pleases them to know what is going on when and being in control, but when you're stuck in a routine, how much control do you really have? You've given your life a structure, sure, but is it a cold, corporate building, or a magnificent rain forest? I'd say the former is likely. And, to be honest, pretty boring. Without variety in my life, I'd be miserable.

I'm sure many of you are quite similar, at least to some degree. Many of you probably also write, as well, so you understand the glorious and extraordinarily vast freedom you have when writing. But, it's a dangerous freedom as well, since reality loses a lot of its luster when one possesses an active imagination, most especially in times of war, poverty, violence, and prejudice. Routine can anchor us to reality, and that may be a large factor in my aversion to it. That's probably not healthy, but when you're trying to write, it's certainly a big, giant plus. So, my main point of this blog post is basically to declare to the world (or mostly just myself) that I completely abhor routine and will likely stay as far away from it as possible. Maybe I'm lazy (probably), maybe I just value spontaneity. Whatever the case, this is and will continue to be true.

charity: water

2010-05-03T18:18:00.003-06:00

I've always felt that those who have privilege should make a concentrated effort to share what they have with those that go without. This desire made itself even more apparent after the earthquake in Haiti. Because forensic anthropologists play a large part in disaster relief and aftermath, my forensic anthropology professor felt it apt to show us before and after pictures of the conditions there, to emphasize the havoc that was wreaked. But what struck me the most was the before photos, of children drinking out of muddy puddles in the road. We easily have the means to help get others the clean water that we more than take for granted, so I want to be a part of the effort to make that happen. I hope you do, as well. This site is one of the best organizations I have found, and I want to actively be a part of it. So if you'd like to help, here's a link to the campaign I've started. The goal is $5,000, which is enough to fund a project that will give 250 clean water for the rest of their lives. The campaign ends in August, so if you're able to contribute, please do. If you aren't, which at the moment I realize many of us don't have the money to spare, please just share the campaign with others. I've made it for the whole of Salt Lake, but anyone is welcome to join in.

Money vs Happiness: Who will win?

2010-04-23T21:51:00.001-06:00

It's been a while since I have written anything on here, though I've been stockpiling topics that I want to write about. I just never seem to get around to it...

Money. It's what makes the world go round and is often the difference between life and death. I hate money. Not just because I am terrible with it (I'm an impulsive buyer) but because of all the problems and rifts it creates in everyone's lives. I almost wish we could go back to a bartering system, although if that were the case I would likely starve. This leads me to the fact one of the hardest concepts for me to grasp is employment. Now, now, hear me out. I understand that people have and hone specific skills, and in turn use those skills to provide for themselves and their families. This is not the part of the concept I have a rough time with. The part I can't get past is that the VAST majority of people in general aren't happy with their jobs. This comes down to:

Trading HOURS of your LIFE for MONEY.

That's what I have a hard time with. Every second you spend on something is a second you can't get back. Why would you spend millions of those priceless seconds on a job you dislike? But someone has to do these jobs, don't they? No. There's no need for a corporate CEO or a burger-flipper at a fast food chain. There's a significant rift between what we need and what we are told to want. What good is all of this doing us? None whatsoever. People survived just fine making their own bread and hoeing their own fields. Sometimes I get so tired of watching this endless set of problems we all create for ourselves, falling into pitholes of greed and gluttony and lust. I know that sounds preachy, and I really don't like to judge, but it's true. It's what the pressures of our society have led us to. I makes me want to go all Thoreau.

So basically, it comes down to this for me - would I be willing to do this job for free? Do I enjoy what I am doing and respect the implications it has on the rest of my fellow man? If this is the case, then one is typically a happy (and usually financially downtrodden) person. If the answer is a 'kinda' or a resounding 'no', there is trouble. I'm so often sad for the society I live in and how selfish (I will talk more about this concept in another, later post) we have become. Now, there are two kinds of selfish - one is just to the degree of being concerned for one's own needs and providing that which is needed. The second is putting oneself before EVERYONE else, no matter the concern. They are very different levels. There is also, obviously, gray area, since there is in nearly every matter, ever.

I don't want you to think that I'm looking down my nose at anyone. I am also a culprit a good portion of the time. But I am to a point in my life where I may be extremely poor, but I thoroughly enjoy all of my jobs, and all the class I take at the University are only because they interest me completely. I am much more sated by having spent my time on endeavors that I personally enjoy, since it is MY life. Why would I want to give up my precious time to the corporate gods, when it could be used to bring happiness into other people's lives? If that's a byproduct of my job (which it is), I feel like I've made a difference, and that puts my soul at ease. And I enjoy being content. It's a state that many have thought and dreamt about, yet never achieved.

Hopefully you'll take some time to evaluate your life, and consider creating a happier place for yourself with the time you're given.

Time is a gift, and we should never waste it on anything we don't want or need to be doing.

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." -James Dean
"Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive." -Elbert Hubbard

Decade

2010-01-07T12:53:00.006-07:00

I like films. I like them a lot. I like the stories they present, and how a director/actor decides to portray those stories, whether it be through aesthetics, audio, omission, or manipulation, humor or tragedy, stark truth or utter fabrication. The past decade (2000-2009, for those of you slow on the uptake) has been chock full of fantastic films. I was inspired to pick my Top 50, but before you glance through my list, I want you realize several things. First of all, the criteria for my choices. a) I have to have seen the film. I missed several reputedly great films in the past 10 years, and while they are on my ever-growing list of films to see before I die (I swear I really have one, there's a shortcut to it on my desktop), they were not considered for this list for obvious reasons, namely, I haven't seen them. Okay, on to b) emotional reaction. I had to have an emotional reaction to a film for it to be on this list. Whether that reaction was enjoyment, horror, empathy, glee, mind-boggledness, or dysphoria, has no effect on placement. Now, c) art. I consider films to be an obvious form of art, as I mentioned vaguely above. Art can be something as simple as witty banter, a tragic view of a world shot to hell, a convoluted and all too realistic 'love' story, all the way through the use of existential cinematography. Many different factors that all boil down to the creation of an artist(s), an expression of someone's self. So, here's my list, for what it's worth. My Top 50 of all time would likely be entirely different, but I am happy with this list. Finally, d) I couldn't decide how to number these, and so rather than waste MORE time, I am going to say, DISCLAIMER: THE NUMBERING OF THIS LIST IS COMPLETELY RANDOM AND DOES NOT REFLECT THE FACT THAT I LIKE ONE FILM OVER ANOTHER. If you'd REALLY like to know which of a couple/few films I prefer, please ask me. Otherwise, here you go:

Inglorious Basterds
I'm Not There
Up!
Avatar
Once
Children of Men
Finding Neverland
Punch-Drunk Love
Paris, je t'aime
The Ringer
I Heart Huckabees
Across the Universe
(500) Days of Summer
School of Rock
Night at the Museum
Juno
Finding Nemo
Star Trek
The Incredibles
Hairspray
Batman Begins
The Brothers Bloom
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Memento
Public Enemies
The Dark Knight
Sweeney Todd
V for Vendetta
Pirate Radio
Love Actually
The Holiday
Moulin Rouge!
Rent
The Royal Tenebaums
Runaway Jury
The Pianist
High Fidelity
Mirrormask
Donnie Darko
Hot Fuzz
WALL-E
Watchmen
Big Fish
The Count of Monte Cristo
Up in the Air
Evening
The Prestige
The Emperor's New Groove
Elf
LOTR (all three, and yes, it is cheating...sorry about that)

Dream On

2009-12-10T22:52:00.002-07:00

Well....I am terrible at updating this. It's been an...interesting few months. I can see an end to the semester, and I will be very, very glad when it's over, though I am sad to leave my creative writing class. They were great people and it was a very conductive environment for creativity. I have three finals to go. Three finals I have not studied for, at all. So that's what I plan to do this weekend, besides work. Yes, I finally, FINALLY found a job. Two, actually, at the moment. I am helping out with the Christmas overload at Hale, which I am loving. It's such an enjoyable place to work. I love the atmosphere, co-workers, and the patrons. Everyone is so happy. I also am just starting a job at a place called RISE, Inc. as part of an after school program to support kids with disabilities. I am very happy to be a part of this, because a large part of the problem I have staying with a job is due to the fact that it's doing absolutely no lasting good in the world. I have high hopes to help better someone's life, and I know that they'll affect mine as well. So I am excited to embark on that journey. I am also excited for Christmas, though I have absolutely NO idea what I'll be giving people. I literally have $3 in my bank account, and several overdue bills. So, no money. Everyone is either getting something homemade or regifted. They'll have to deal. But I do intend to still choose their gifts carefully and with thought. Not being able to purchase a present makes it SO much harder, though. I am tempted to take my $3 and buy everyone 25 cent packs of gum. I probably won't though. Maybe. I recently started taking a new medication. I swear, it's a miracle pill. I am happy and energetic and cheerful, literally the polar opposite of what I've been for the past several months. The difference was noticeable within 24 hours. Truly a miracle and blessing in my life. One of the side effects is more REM sleep, so I sleep for less time, but more deeply. Which means that I am able to remember my dreams really, really well. That's something I have been wishing for for a LONG time. I was convinced that if I could just remember my dreams, I'd be a bestselling author by now. I used to wake up and say to myself, "that would make a fantastic story!" and then a minute or two later....*poof* go the specifics, and all I am left with is a general feeling. But now that I can remember them more vividly, I usually can recall two or three of them, and let me tell you, they are BIZARRE. Last week I literally had a dream about evil ostrich eggs wearing pink converse lace-up shoes and pink framed sunglasses. We had pickaxes to fight them off, and egg flew everywhere. There was also a strange paranoid schizophrenic man that for some reason had dragonfly wings. Other things happened as well, but those are the most strange from that night. So, what I'm trying to say is, now that I can remember my dreams I am fairly certain most of them won't end up on a shelf. Some, perhaps, but most I will just enjoy. Going to sleep is my favorite part of the day. I even set my alarm an hour early every day so I can revel in my dreams. I love it.

Focus

2009-09-30T15:51:00.003-06:00

I can't do it. There are so many things I need to be doing at the moment (first and foremost studying for a midterm, which means catching up on a whole month of school in a couple days), and I am just not there. I don't want to. My brain is saying that it would rather sleep, would rather read (recreationally), would rather play with polymer clay. None of this packing my poor brain with loads of information thing. The fact that I am writing this attests to how difficult I am finding this to be. I have great intentions, but they aren't seeming to come to fruition. I also thought I should probably write here before September is officially over. I no longer have my job at the U of U hospital, which is sad, but acceptable. I've been keeping busy working at Hale, but that's over when October is, so I'll be in dire straights soon enough. This gloomy, rainy day (which, don't get me wrong, I normally LOVE) is really bumming me out. Life can really get you down sometimes, ya know?

Tick Tock

2009-08-07T17:12:00.001-06:00

Oops, I missed July. Oh well. I didn't have much to talk about till now, anyway, though I would like to get back into the habit of blogging about specific feelings I have, rather than life events. But for now I'll just give an update. So the job at the U is going well, and I start up Fall Semester here in a couple of weeks. I am going to be even busier this semester than I thought, and the stress is starting to get to me a little. I'm a person who needs quiet, stress-free alone time once in a while (okay, often), and I won't be getting much, if any, of that until November or so. If then. I really am not complaining though, because the reason I'll be even busier is I'm helping out with costumes again at the Hale Centre Theatre, a place I've been working at since I was 14. It is one of my favorite places to be. I love the costumes and the atmosphere, and most of all the people. Theatre has some of the most wonderful, exciting people in the world. It's nice to be a part of something that everyone is thoroughly enjoying in every aspect. Very pleasant. So I'll be helping out with The Scarlet Pimpernel productions until the end of September, and then be on to helping with costume rentals. I love helping people pick out costumes! Halloween is by FAR my favorite holiday (obviously) and I spend months planning what I'm going to be the next year. Well, gee. I really don't have much to talk about anyway today, but I am sure once school starts up I will have much more to say. I'm taking a Creative Writing class that I'm very excited about, and I'll be posting my work on my writing blog, http://fantasticalobservations.blogspot.com/ if you want to check it out and leave me feedback. It'd be lovely if you would! For now I'm off to search for a few extra hours in the day.

Employed

2009-06-29T22:54:00.002-06:00

Yes, that's right! I'm finally employed with a decent job for the first time in 8 months! The job is with the University of Utah Hospital's Inpatient Pharmacy. They are adding a new wing onto the hospital, so they obviously need more techs. I interviewed with a super nice lady named Teresa, and then had a 2nd interview with some of the lead techs and they were great as well, so I'm excited to start working there. I'll be working 32 hours a week, which is considered full time there (YAY!), so I can still go to school full time, as well as get half off tuition and finally have benefits again. Things are definitely looking up, and I'm excited to be able to pay off my debts and be able to spend money without feeling guilty. That's basically all I really wanted to mention, so thanks for listening, blogosphere.

Belated

2009-06-13T00:46:00.005-06:00

I made a commitment to myself to blog at least once a month. And I've failed. Oh well, it's not like my blogging is for anyone's benefit but my own. I'm currently at work. Yes, 1am on a Friday night/Saturday morning (either or) and I'm at work. I'm okay working overnight, but I really dislike how I can't stay out with friends till all hours. Crap summer. HOWEVER, I did get called for a 2nd interview for a Pharmacy Tech position at the University of Utah Hospital inpatient pharmacy, so maybe I won't have to be at this hotel much longer! I am really hoping and praying for that job. My interview is next Tuesday, so we'll see how it goes!

*caffeine break*

Well, I turned 23 a few weeks ago. It made me feel old, and even worse since I don't have much to show for the years I've been out of High School. I mean, I'm still a Freshman in college, and I'm living with my parents again. Kind of depressing. What can I do but progress? So for my birthday Katie and I threw a weenie roast in her parent's backyard. It was a lovely night, excepting the rain, and about 20-25 people showed and we sat a chatted for about 7 hours. It was fabulously relaxing and I am so grateful to my friends for celebrating with me. I am also very pleased I was able to hit up Lake Powell with some friends a couple weeks back. I had a wonderful time enjoying nature and meeting new people. It was lovely.

My parents have been planning a cruise for their 25th anniversary for about a year now. The left last Sunday, and are coming back this Sunday. From what I have heard from them, they are having a wonderful time, and they absolutely deserve it. The fact that they are gone also means that I'm left with the caring for my brother and sister the whole week. It's been a really interesting experience, mostly owing to the fact that we haven't fought. AT ALL. This is very unusual. I am beginning to think that our parents are the cause of us fighting. It's kind of strange to think about.

Lately I've been spending several hours a day doing research for the novel I've been trying to write for the past couple years. I'm basically trying to shove the whole of history into my brain. I'm not sure how well it's working, but it's essential for the background of my book. I'm also trying to get familiar with genetic engineering and where it could be (plausibly) in 50-100 years, as well as brainwashing techniques. This idea hit me out of nowhere, and while the research is seemingly never-ending, I really think learning all this stuff will be a fabulous thing for me. I get more excited every time I think about it, even if it's just research. I'm not in school this summer, so I've dedicated most of my free time to research and getting through the Rosetta Stone Spanish program, since I failed my class last semester. Linguistics has given me a whole new perspective on languages, however, it isn't very practical. I think too objectively, so I understand the rules and the conjugation and all that, and I can read it fairly well, but I just can't seem to speak it coherently. It takes me about 3 steps to get to the word I need. So it's pretty frustrating for me, but I'm going to continue working on it, because learning a language (or several) is a major goal I have for my life. Unfortunately, if I get this job I'm interviewing for, I'll have much less time. I will, however, have the money I need to pay off debts (another major goal). So, we'll see how everything goes.

Gosh, I could go on for hours, since I actually have a couple left to kill, but I'll just talk a little bit about my book group. It is kind of struggling, but short of watching over the members, hawk-eyed, I can't do much to keep them interested other than nag them a bit and rave about each month's book. It's tough for people our age to actively participate in something like this, since we all have jobs and school and social lives (well, most of us). This month is Life of Pi, next month is Little Brother, and then August is Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which (for some reason) I have a feeling will end up with a good turn-out. The group's website is here: http://notyourmommasbookgroup.blogspot.com/ if you know anyone interested in joining up!

I really do intend to write more, since in typing this I've realized how much I can miss in a couple months. I always have something to say (anyone who knows me can tell you that), it's just a matter of sitting down and typing it, and it takes something like forgetting headphones at work so I can't watch movies to make me. Alas, such is my life. Thanks for reading, if you got this far. Kudos to you.

Detriment of Boredom

2009-04-05T15:44:00.002-06:00

I think I've mentioned before how much of an indecisive person I am. This is very difficult for me, as I often feel lost in the maze of pathways my life could potentially take. Problem with that, is I just stand there in that maze and I accomplish NOTHING. Let me make this a little more clear, at least in regard to one subject. My future. I have SO many things I would love to do with my life. The issue I have is that they all lay in very different directions. I know I need to pick a career that I can make some decent money in, because as of now, I'm not really planning on getting married for a very long time, if at all. Currently, I'm majoring in Linguistics, with a minor in Creative Writing and Anthropology. You can see right there that I can't decide. And I don't know how well I will fare monetarily with any of those. I've dreamed of owning my own business, of being a location scout, of being a make-up artist, of being a dolphin trainer, of being a journalist, of being a linguistic anthropologist, and several other vocations. It's pretty obvious that I get bored easily and have a short attention span. This runs in all aspects of my life. I do well with a guy for, oh, a month or so, and then lose interest. I do well in my new semester of classes, and then halfway through I lose interest. I start a new job, and lose interest. The only thing that I can clearly see myself doing is being a writer. It has been the only thing that I have continuously dreamed of, and that opens me up to doing something different all the time, which is exactly what I need. But you all know that many authors don't do very well. I don't say this because I want to sell books. I only want to make money from them to support my habit of writing. The thing that I want overall from my life is to be able to make a mark. To contribute something that could affect someone emotionally and philosophically. I want to leave something here that is solid, since life itself is so ephemeral. So I will write, as I always have. But as of this moment, I am working toward my BA in Linguistics. I still feel a little shaky about my future, since it seems like a big blank wall that I am headed straight toward, but I guess it's better to live in the now and actually be DOING something. I'm excited for my classes next semester, as one of them is a creative writing class, so my writing blog will be getting some new stuff. I hope you get the chance to read it sometime.

Sick

2009-03-21T15:53:00.002-06:00

Every member of my family has been sick for the majority of the last three weeks. It's been miserable here. If it's not a head cold, it's bronchitis, the stomach flu, or a migraine. Anyway, so I've been on Spring Break this week and I wish I could say it's been nice and relaxing, but I've only either been working (graveyards) or been in bed with a migraine, so you can see how it hasn't been a wonderful break from school. I don't mean to complain, these are just the facts that my family has been dealing with for the past little while. I feel like I am constantly ailing. I'm so tired of it! I want to be healthy! I've been to 3 docs for my migraines, and I'm back at square one. If anyone knows any miracle remedies, I would love to hear them. Have you had any periods in your life where you just couldn't get over some sickness or ailment?

Booksies

2009-02-15T18:00:00.012-07:00

Many of you know that I adore books. If you don't, you do now. Honestly, I shouldn't really have time to read, considering all that is going on in my life, but I tend to bend and sacrifice to have time to read. I've decided to put up a thing on the side of this that says what I am currently reading, because I know you are SO interested, but I also wanted to talk about one of my favorite authors. Currently I am reading two of his books, and am so excited every time I pick one up. I keep trying to read slowly and savor them; I never want them to end. They are Neil Gaiman's "The Graveyard Book" and "Fragile Things".

First up - "The Graveyard Book". This is a collaboration of Neil Gaiman's literary genius and Dave McKean's stellar, amazing illustrations. If you've read any of the Sandman graphic novels, or have seen the movie "Mirrormask", you have had the privilege of seeing their work. This book is written for the younger generation, but is so wonderful that I think everyone should read it. It was recently recognised with a Newberry Medal, which, as you know, is the highest honor a children's book can receive. I am about halfway through, and the illustrations and characters are so rich and intriguing that I can't help but express how much I love it to all of you. I also want to mention the new movie "Coraline", which I absolutely loved. The original book was written by Neil Gaiman several years back, and it's quite good, as is the movie. I hope to high heaven that they make a movie of "The Graveyard Book". Here's the Amazon link to it (LINK), and you can click the picture on the right for a better view of the gorgeous cover.

Secondly - "Fragile Things". I haven't even started this book yet. I bought it right after Christmas, and have been waiting for the perfect time to read it. This book is a collection of short stories by Neil Gaiman. Many of them have won awards. I have recently become a huge fan of short stories, thanks to Ray Bradbury (that is all for another blog, however). Today, I read the introduction to "Fragile Things", which is several pages long, and talks about each story/poem, and how they came to be in this compilation, and the author's opinion/view of the story and its origins. I can already tell it's going to be amazing, and have butterflies in my tummy just thinking about it. Ditto with Amazon (LINK) and larger picture.

Here's a list of my favorite authors/poets, in no particular order:

-Sharon Shinn
-Ray Bradbury
-Juliet Marillier
-Neil Gaiman
-Jennifer Fallon
-Gregory Maguire
-Walt Whitman
-Sara Douglass
-Billy Collins
-Patrick Rothfuss

Any if the books or poems these folks have written, I love, completely and absolutely. I highly recommend them. I also always have book recommendations, so let me know if you'd like some.

The New

2009-01-15T14:29:00.003-07:00

I haven't posted in a while, but as I sit here in the computer lab at school, I realize that I really do have some things to talk about. It's a new year, as you all know (if you don't, you should get your medication checked), and the new year brings new things for all of us. First and foremost for me is a new semester. I haven't gone to school actively in quite a while, and I'm really not a fan of school, but lately it's hit me that I REALLY need to get back into it and get a start into the rest of my life. Open some doors for myself. So, here I am. This semester I'm taking Spanish 1010, which I'm enthused about (not because of the class, but more because I've been wanting to learn a language for a LONG time), Writing 2010, which I really don't like much because it's too general, Film 2200, which I'm finding very interesting (and it's only once a week!) and Linguistics somethingorother, which I absolutely love! I am seriously thinking about doing a double major because I love it so much. I've been thinking about getting into the field of Linguistic Anthropology. It incorporates so many of the things I love so much, so I can't really go wrong there! So school is something new. I've also been out of a job for a while, which has been really frustrating for many reasons. Well, with the new year, I've been afforded several new, lovely opportunities. I have a data entry position at the Post Office, but as soon as I got that job I was called to interview for a job at The Huntsman Cancer Institute as an infusion pharmacy tech, which basically means making chemotherapy ivs every day. I am very interested in getting that position, and interviewed for it yesterday. It's such an amazing place and I really hope I get the opportunity to participate in the differences they make in people's lives. On a less positive note, my laptop decided to go ballistic on me, just a few days before school started. It's pretty frustrating, because I can't figure out what the heck is going on. I'll also likely lose a lot of files that I'd REALLY like to keep, and foremost among those is an excel spreadsheet I have been keeping for the last 2 years of all the books I've read. It's pretty important to me. Super lame, but true! So if you are expert at recovering files, talk to me! Please! Let's see...what else is new? Oh, I moved back home a couple of months ago, mostly so I could actually afford to go back to school. It's been an interesting experience so far, and it's a little difficult since I've lived alone for the past year and a half, and then all of a sudden am living with 4 other people. I'm not a fan of chaos, but it's what I'm living at the moment. Hmm...I can't think of much else, but I thought I'd update on my life a little, for those of you that actually care! Thanks for reading!

The Book of Lost Things

2008-12-07T12:28:00.005-07:00

What would you do if someone came to you with a crazy, fantastic story of something that had happened to them? Something far-fetched, that may go against your idea of reality, but they are absolutely serious and sincere? Would you believe them? I just recently (a couple nights ago) started reading a book called "The Book of Lost Things" (thank you for the recommendation, Allison) by John Connolly. It is wonderful. I am enjoying how the author embraces the love of books he has and gives it life. So far (I am only maybe a fourth of the way in) the gist of the story is this. There is a 12-year-old boy in England in 1939. His mother has very recently died, and the thing the boy shared the most and remembers the most about her are books and stories. He got his love of them from her. His father moves on eventually, taking a new wife and they have a new child, and the boy feels very isolated. He also is experiencing blackouts that have no explanation. But instead of actually blacking out, he wakes up with the memory of something a crazy, crooked old man, or a castle, or a forest glade. Glimpses of another world. Eventually, the boy in this book experiences something a shift to another world, a world that really should only exist in books. The reason he decides to go forward, into this world, and not straight back home is because he knows his father would never believe him without physical proof. So he goes off into what I'm sure are life-endangering adventures, all because the person that matters the most to him back home wouldn't believe him. So back to my original questions. Would you really believe someone who told you something that questioned your perception of reality? I know that for me this is probably just something that I would LIKE to happen, because I'm not actually a fan of reality. I FAR prefer alternate realities, in which many things can happen that will never happen in my life, which is a very large reason I love books so much. But I have met people in my life who have told me of experiences they have had, and though I haven't had them myself (which I am glad of, because I would likely be an absolute mess. Well, more of a mess than I already am) I truly do believe they happened. Because I trust the people telling me. There are scary and wonderful things out there, happening in OUR world, that most of us completely reject or won't allow ourselves to see or believe in. Maybe we should try harder. It's scary, yes, but we can't use our reality as a security blanket. We should be experiencing ALL the world has to offer. I know this is something that I need to work on, rather than gleaning it all from my books. Books have been a blessing and a curse for me. I love them because everything is straightforward. You know exactly what the people in them are thinking and feeling, and that makes it harder for me to relate to people in real life. I often have no idea what is going on with them, and it drives me crazy. So I just go back to books. But I truly do learn so much from them, because the person who wrote them is imparting something they know and believe and love to the reader, in turn teaching and bettering that person. There are definitely pros and cons to books, but they truly do teach you to perceive the world in a completely different manner.

At odds.

2008-11-18T12:02:00.008-07:00

I was reading my scriptures the other night (something I've been working really hard to get back in the habit of), and I was in...Alma, I think? Anyway, the thing that was crossing my mind the whole time I was reading, and that I've thought about many other times before while reading scripture, was how absolutely violent those times were. Violence is something that I am vehemently against. I don't think there should be any need for wars, holy or not, and because of that, I do not support the war there currently is or ever was. Now, don't think me unpatriotic. I love my country (usually) and all the freedoms it affords me. And I am very grateful to those who fought and lost their lives for my freedom. The thing that I abhor is the fact that we ever NEEDED a war to get that freedom. Contention is of the devil, correct? So why, oh why, is the majority of scripture WAR?! It's what makes reading the scriptures the most difficult for me. I understand the concepts; fighting for what you believe in and what is right and good. And I also understand that they fought so that we could have the scripture that we do today. But I have a difficult time reading about it. I am a person who avoids confrontation at all costs, which is both good and bad. It means that I am very guarded with my feelings, because I get hurt easily, and feel very deeply. It also means that fighting and competition are things that I do not, nor will ever, understand. Pitting yourself against an opponent or enemy is something the world tends to focus on, which in my opinion is why sports are so popular. I'm not knocking sports (well, maybe a little), but people start to miss what the point should be - to better oneself physically and technically. It becomes all about the competition and proving you are better than someone else. I think this is a large reason that I prefer the arts. They focus on the individual, and on the skills themselves, the things that sports largely misses for the most part. So I don't get it. I don't like contests, I don't like competition, I don't like trying to prove that I am better than someone else. I want to prove to myself that I can be better than I currently am - for myself. No one else really factors in (except maybe God). So back to my anti-violence rant. I think the epitome of senseless violence is the Civil War (Katie, please don't hate me. I know it's your favorite era). Brothers fighting against brothers and people dying for someone else's opinion. They weren't fighting for their country, they were BOTH fighting for what they thought was the right thing. There are two sides to every war, and both think they are justified. And rationally, they are. So who is right, and who is good? The winner? I don't know that this is true. Just because the losers had less people, or fell into certain circumstances, doesn't mean they weren't correct in their belief. Because a belief is right, no matter what it is. It is something that matters to that person, specifically, and that is what's true and good. But not worth shedding another's blood over. I don't believe that anything is worth that. Because what does it achieve in the end? A false sense of superiority and rightness? Crushing someone else's life force or belief should never be justified, especially through warfare. So what is up with this war crap? Love your brothers and sisters for who THEY are and what they stand for. No matter what race, religion, or class. Why is that so difficult?

Shameless Plug

2008-11-14T12:44:00.005-07:00

Yes, this is a shameless plug for my other blog, which is a compilation of my poetry, short stories, and story beginnings. A while back I thought it would be a good idea to post all of my stuff in one place, in case my computer dies or something, and also so other people could read it and share their thoughts. Most of it was written for my creative writing class in high school, but a couple things are newer. Some are super lame, some are pretty good (in my opinion). So I'm inviting you to read and share with me what you think about them. I hope something in them strikes a chord with you; I love being able to share this piece of me with others. Happy reading! (At least, if you decide to.)

http://fantasticalobservations.blogspot.com/

Remember, remember the Fifth of November...

2008-11-05T13:04:00.007-07:00

Well it's here, and I'm remembering it. One of the best movies I have ever seen, with important messages, is V for Vendetta. Based on the events of Guy Fawkes' Gunpowder Plot, it is a fantastic, poignant film. I wanted to include a great quote from the movie to pay tribute to the memorable events of November 5th, 1605.

"Good evening, London. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of every day routine- the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke. But in the spirit of commemoration, thereby those important events of the past usually associated with someone's death or the end of some awful bloody struggle, a celebration of a nice holiday, I thought we could mark this November the 5th, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat. There are of course those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now, orders are being shouted into telephones, and men with guns will soon be on their way. Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there? Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission. How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well certainly there are those more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable, but again truth be told, if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror. I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be? War, terror, disease. There were a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense. Fear got the best of you, and in your panic you turned to the now high chancellor, Adam Sutler. He promised you order, he promised you peace, and all he demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent. Last night I sought to end that silence. Last night I destroyed the Old Bailey, to remind this country of what it has forgotten. More than four hundred years ago a great citizen wished to embed the fifth of November forever in our memory. His hope was to remind the world that fairness, justice, and freedom are more than words, they are perspectives. So if you've seen nothing, if the crimes of this government remain unknown to you then I would suggest you allow the fifth of November to pass unmarked. But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you would seek as I seek, then I ask you to stand beside me one year from tonight, outside the gates of Parliament, and together we shall give them a fifth of November that shall never, ever be forgot." - V, broadcasting to the people of London over the television

Check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guy_Fawkes or http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0434409/ for more info!

Theatre

2008-11-01T19:35:00.011-06:00

I love theatre. This fact was reaffirmed last night when we went to the midnight showing of Nosferatu at UVU. We got to the theatre, dressed in our fantastic costumes (I walked in to whispers of "that's Carmen Sandiego" and a lot of blatant stares. It was great), and sat down. I really wasn't sure what to expect, but I noticed that the stage was set up like a movie set (sort of), with lights and different scenes set all over the stage, and a large white projector screen above the stage. Which intrigued me. The play started, and I quickly caught on to the fact that we were going to be watching what the camera operators and techs (which were also present on stage) filmed right in front of us. They basically took the 1922 silent, black and white movie, and showed it on the screen, while substituting, oh, maybe 75% of it with scenes they shot in real-time on the stage. No words were said the entire play, except for by techs calling the cues when they paused for words to be shown on the screen (silent film) and to start, stop, and change scenes. It truly was phenomenal, and it was so interesting to see the correlation between stage and screen, and how different the two really are. I'd never seen anything quite like it before, but I certainly hope to again. Mixed-media productions definitely have a promising future in today's theatre world.

The other most life-changing performance I have ever seen was Macbeth, during the fall season of the Shakespearean Festival in Cedar City, a few years ago (2004, I believe). It wasn't the acting that blew me away, though it was extraordinary as well. It was the set design, and what they decided to do with it. The stage was set up as the front hall of a castle, or manor, or whatever, with (from left to right): the large front door with a stained glass window above it, a staircase opening into a doorway, a very large tapestry, and another doorway at ground level. The performers were amazing (of course, since it was the Shakespearean Festival), and when Macbeth decides to kill King Duncan, and goes up the stairs and through the doorway, they shine a red light behind the tapestry, so we're shown a jagged-bordered silhouette of a rickety stairway, with Macbeth creeping up it, holding a dagger erect. Wow. When Macbeth kills the King, a bell chimes, an owl hoots, and the stained glass window breaks. The play continues, and then when Banquo is killed, the bell chimes again, and the stage separates (flies apart, more like) essentially down the middle, about 6 or so feet. Later on, when Macduff's family is murdered, the stage separates another 10 feet, with another chime. Next, when Lady Macbeth is proclaimed dead, the bell chimes once again, and the set goes off stage completely, leaving only a set of stairs and the silhouette of a graveyard in the background. With that as the set, we finally see Macduff and Macbeth fight, and Macbeth fall. A fantastic play, and a fantastic way of presenting it. It was so creepy and wonderfully done.

And so, I love theatre. I love film as well, but for a few different reasons (cinematography being first and foremost). I've grown up around theatre, thanks to Tracy. When I was young, instead of playing cops and robbers, or cowboys and indians, or even fairy princesses, I was playing Romeo and Tybalt. That definitely says something about me. And I love that fact. So I hope to be involved in some form of theatre the rest of my life, whether it be behind-the-scenes, or just as a theatre-goer. I'm sure many of you appreciate the beauty of theatre as an art form as well.

Decisions

2008-10-22T16:42:00.002-06:00

I'm not, by nature, a decisive person. At least about things that matter. And mainly, at this point in my life, is the decision of what to DO with the rest of it. "Jack of all trades, master of none" is a phrase that describes me well. There are so many things I'm interested in, but getting to the point where I learn what I want to know about any of them takes years of school, in many different directions. I can't afford the time or expense of that. I know I get bored easily, so I'm wary of what I get into because I don't want to grow bored with it. Which brings me to where I am right now, needing to decide what to do before my life passes me and I never have a chance to do any of it. I have so many things I want to accomplish, and they all take money and education. I can't pick just one, because then it will just be sullied by the fact that I can't accomplish the others. So I'm really at a crossroads, and there is no road less traveled. There are just wildlands with unexplored territory.

Music

2008-10-17T18:07:00.001-06:00

I really do have a soundtrack for my life. But not in the conventional way. I enjoy a LOT of different bands and types of music, but the two things that pretty much all of them have in common are unique vocal styles and poignant lyrics. I’m a poet at heart, so the combination of saying something meaningful plus showcasing it in a way that adds more meaning through a musical medium makes my heart soar. Seriously, it really does. It helps me connect with the music in a way that transcends just a tune that you like. Music is something that can connect with people on many levels, whether it just makes you smile, or whether it hits on the exact emotion you were feeling, that you weren’t sure anyone else understood. I tend to listen to albums for weeks at a time, until I know every nuance of it and until I’ve worked out the feelings it strikes up in me. I have albums that I’ve owned since 8th grade that I still listen to and love, and I continually add more artists all the time. The thing that I love the most about music is that I can listen to one of the many albums I own, and that specific collection of songs brings back the exact memories and feelings of the time I listened to it the most. How amazing is that? Music is one of the most powerful tools we have on this earth. The right piece can be a pure example of unfettered emotion.

Home

2008-10-13T23:19:00.003-06:00

I do my best thinking in my car. Which means I think a lot, because I'm in my car a lot. Recently, I was in said car, thinking, and came to the conclusion that my car is actually my home. It is the place that I feel the most comfortable. My apartment and my parent's house are definitely places I feel comfortable in, but there are always people around. My car is the one place I can sing at the top of my lungs and not feel self-conscious, or the one place I can sob to my heart's content without people crowding me or telling me to be quiet. It's a wonderful place to have and I am truly blessed to have it, for many reasons. You may be thinking to yourself at this point, "what about all the people around who can see into the car?" Well, I don't really care about them, because I don't really ever have to deal with them again. I mean, I care in general about their welfare, but I don't care about their opinion of me. But my neighbors in my apartment complex/house, and my family are all people I deal with on a somewhat daily basis. Make sense? So I just want to say that I am happy to have my trusty sidekick. And she is trusty. She's never broken down on me, ever, and I've had her since I was 16. Ergo, I am thankful.

Tribute

2008-10-12T22:48:00.003-06:00

I noticed a scratch on my wrist earlier today. From my cat, of course, but it reminded me of the movie "Princess and the Goblin" for some reason (the girl in it gets a scratch on her wrist from a rose's thorn). It led me to thinking about how things are so different when we're children. I watch a Disney movie now, and they always let me down, because I have such a glowing memory of how I saw them as a child. Albeit, I was a very imaginative kid, and have become a somewhat cynical adult (something I'm not proud of), but I still have those memories. And I am happy I have them. Real life just sucks sometimes. Fantasy worlds are what I intend to spend the rest of my life using to escape from reality, whether I am writing them, reading them, or watching them. I just want to express my gratitude towards the things that taught us as children that life is ours for the taking, and we can do whatever we want. We may not have a fairy-tale ending, or mice or fairies to help us along the way, but we do have family and friends, and the opportunity to make our own path. And that is a wonderful thing to have. Stories keep us happy and hopeful. Without them, the world as we know it would not exist.

Origins

2008-10-11T05:33:00.003-06:00

So I'm hoping this whole blogging business will prove therapeutic for me. And poor you, you have to read it. I have a separate blog for my 'creative' ramblings, and almost never update it because I never write anything anymore. See kids, that's what lack of school and excess of work does to ya. Makes it so you don't even do the one thing you love. Stupid life. Anyway, that blog is called Fantastical Observations and I have no idea how you can get there. I bet there's a link on this page somewhere.

I commit to writing in this blog whenever I remember to, because lack of things to say is most definitely not my problem. By making remembering my criteria, I probably won't write that often. Later today I am planning on writing a nice long, or not so long, post about my AWESOME costume for 2008. Complete with pictures! Yay! Halloween is my favorite holiday by far, just as autumn is my favorite season. All the smells, the crisp air, the excitement tangible. I LOVE it. So, look for that costume post later on!